he Stonecutters is a secret, ancient organization and a parody of the Freemasons. The Springfield branch, led by the all-knowing Number One, is featured in the episode "Homer the Great".
Stonecutter Lodge, a mysterious building with an Illuminati eye.
The Stonecutters meet on Wednesday nights in a large headquarters, and their activities mostly involve drinking beer and playing Ping-Pong. Members are identified by number rather than name, assigned by the order in which they joined. At least 907 members had joined before Homer. There are only two ways to gain membership: Be the son of a Stonecutter (the society is men only) or save the life of a Stonecutter.
The initiation rites mainly involved pranks and being spanked with paddles. The final rite is an oath, the last line of which states that if the secret society is revealed, then the teller's "stomach become bloated, and [their] head plucked of all but three hairs" (Moe suggests that Homer should take a different oath).
The society has two stones, which are attached by a chain shackled around the wearers neck, then dragged. The Stone of Shame is used primarily for banishment; tradition dictates that the wearer be naked. The Stone of Triumph is the larger of the two, and is used for Coronation ceremonies.
The rewards are vast: They include reserved roads, better parking spaces, wonderful chairs, free soft drinks, and swift house repairs. Stonecutters are also told the real emergency services number - 912. The membership pack contains stickers to stop their cars being towed or their wallets stolen by paramedics. Also seen are a society t-shirt, robes, underwear, handbook and secret handshake. They are also rumored to have an algebraic secret base on the moon
Homer being sworn in
Collapse and reformation Edit
On the night of their 1500th anniversary, Homer Simpson (who got to join because his father was a member) accidentally destroyed The Sacred Parchment. He was about to be banished forever, when Number One noticed that he bore the mark of the prophesied Chosen One. Homer became their new leader, and they went out of their way to impress him and let him succeed at everything (by rigging various games in his favor).
Homer felt isolated, and urged that The Stonecutters use their power to help other people. The society got increasingly annoyed with the humanitarian tasks that The Chosen One (Homer) kept setting them, believing them to be illegitimate excuses to manipulate them into beings thralls to what they were believing to be a totalitarian dictator. The World Council suggested that Homer be killed except Bush who suggested instead to do womething to Homer's voice box, but Moe suggested that of them "not wanting to be Stonecutters no more". The society went ahead with this plan, and the The Ancient Mystic Society of No Homers was born.
Stonecutter's Members (Springfield)
Stonecutter Theme song
The Stonecutter theme song goes as follows;
- Who controls the British crown? Who keeps the metric system down? We do, we do!
- Who keeps Atlantis off the maps? Who keeps the Martians under wraps? We do, we do!
- Who holds back the electric car? Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star? We do, we do!
- Who robs cavefish of their sight? Who rigs every Oscar night? We do, we do!
© Ruth Zoe Andreas, all rights reserved